We renamed our cat. I always thought that Mud Puddles was a stupid-ass name for a cat. The only reason we kept her previous name was that the cat actually responds to “Mud.” Seriously.

Mud. Effing stupid name for a cat. We kicked around a lot of compromise names (Muddy Whiskers, Mud Muggles.) I can’t remember if it was me or My Beautiful Wife, but one of us lobbed up the name “Maude.” Maude is kind of like Mud, right? The cat will figure out Maude from Mud. Right?

Nope.

“Maude! Get off the counter. Maude! Maude! Maude! [pause] Mud!”

The cat looks up. “Wha? I’m busy rubbing my bunghole on your cooking surfaces, dude. No time for the dramarama. What’s with the purple face, anyway? You choking?”

Sigh.

I am not unique (or Scottish) because I wear my disposable contacts for five months at a time. Nor am I unique in that I rarely take them out at night. I only take my contacts out to soak ‘em when they dry out or they get pollen-crusted.

I think I may be somewhat alone in that the morning after I take my contacts out, I wake totally oblivious to not having corrected vision. Sometime during my short, three mile drive to the office, I’ll squint. Road signs will not be sharp. My brain is not yet screaming, “You forgot your glasses, dumbass!”

At least not until I get to work and boot my computer. Five minutes into processing my email I begin to piece together why I’m squinting and why the letters are too gray and too blurry.

“Aw crap.”

I “pump up the pixel volume” on my 25 inch monitor, so everybody who walks by my office can see two-inch letters on my screen and my gmail client can be read from the aft window of the ISS.

The day turns into one long waffle: “Geez. Just run home and grab your glasses. Round trip is 22 minutes.”

“No. I’m fine, Shawn.”

“But Shawn, this is ridiculous!”

“I know, but it’s not that much longer.”

“You’re an asshole.”

“Sorry.”

” ‘Sorry’ don’t feed the bulldog, Cochise.”

“Not to point fingers, but you’re kind of an asshole, too, Shawn.”

While we are on the topic of sphincters, thanks to the asshats at ABC television, my novel Selfie is going to need a new title. To those who have beta read the book, any suggestions for a new title? Selfie was a perfect, fresh title a year and four months ago, but it’s played out now. It’s a joke.

Thoughts? Suggestions?

Darknet Darling

Meme

Meme Girl

Infameme

I Was a Teenage Meme

Girl So Fine

Help. C’mon creative people. Help.