My Beautiful Wife is traveling for her job once more. This time she’s gone for a long time. Or it already seems like a long time and I just got back from dropping her off at the airport.

So, yaknow, I’m living the bachelor life. Living large. Gonna spend every night at the titty bars. Drunk dial ex-girlfriends. Pee in the sink. Watch kung fu movies with subtitles. Flirt with the waitresses. Precisely what you’d expect of a grown man. Madison Avenue says we men are nothing more than large infants who guzzle beer and fart. If I’m going to take the crotch kick from the culture, then I might as well suck the frothy cream from the top of the milk bucket when the opportunity presents itself.

I have not shot competitively for a month and a half. I hope to change that at a tournament this Saturday. I still have not yet competed with my new pistol. I’m ready and chomping at the bullet. The weather should be ideal.

Last month MBW put me on notice; she hardly ever nags, so when she does I tend to listen. She told me to stop coloring my beard and just go grey. I agreed. Then it happened and it happened some more. And more. Jeez. The compromise used to be that I would keep a beard (her preference) as long as I could keep the grey at bay. Self-delusion about my accumulated mileage is hard to maintain when I’m seeing an aging pirate face in every reflective surface I pass.

I forgot to ask MBW before she left. Anybody know how often you’re supposed to feed a dog? Fifty pounder? ‘Bout four? Five times a day? And for water? I’ve just been leaving the toilet seat up. What? Oh, that would explain the blue spots on the carpet.

At some point I have to get my yard under control and gutter guards installed. We had the roofers pitch the battered, decades old ones when we got new shingles. With six huge trees hovering over the house, I keep rediscovering how important gutter guards are. I should probably tackle that at some point this week. Titty bars aren’t open 24 hours, so I’ll have to do something productive, I guess.

(I guess.)

Best to you and yours this weekend. Whether you are baching it or making memories with the ones you love, make it count.

Oh, and go Cardinals.